fresh to death

New Years Eve. huh.

what do you think? how was your year? i dont know about you, but i still dont understand what happened.

weird stuff.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2613389/1/2156

read this. :)

I dont have much to say, i just wanted to have more posts than november. :)

She's fresh to death, she'll be the death of you.
Seduction leads to destruction.

by the ocean

!!WARNING!!
!!MOMENT OF INSECURITY APPROACHING!!

*sigh*

you ever look at those pictures of girls on myspace that look rly pretty without even trying?

i wish i could be like that.

I want to take pictures with my friends and feel like im pretty. instead of feeling rly not pretty next to my amazingly georgeous friends. how does that work out, eh?

i want to take a good picture for once, so i can have a decent myspace default. not one that hides half my face.

i want to take random pictures that i can laugh at without cringing.

i want to take a picture that someone else wants.

i want to be considered pretty enough to be an sm.

i want to goof off and be in pictures, instead of hiding behind people and/or taking them.

i want to feel pretty.

**and yess im hung up on pictures right now.

I had a dream last night we, made love by the ocean.

new link

okhay, so that link i gave you won't work anymore. I changed the title and added a new chapter. Its an actual story now. not just a one shot!!

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2607190/1/Oh_My_God_Im_In_Love_With_My_Best_Friend

hhehhe.

in the moment

So the wedding yesterday was rly kool.

and the only reason i have a JB song is cuz they played it at the reception and now its stuck in my head.

i talked for like an hour with this guy. idk. today its just like, oh. hmm. whatever. it happened, i dont rly care.

but yeah. it was nice. their first dance was to Come What May. i mean, how cool is that?

haha, majorly. im jealous.

not much else to say. still confused. stuck in my head. wont fricking leave.

*sigh* idk. i leave you with happiness. hhehhe, everybody gets their presents tomorrow.

Head over heels in the Moment..

every phrase

*sigh*

i just finished watching the holiday GG that was on the box.

I hate watching T.V. peoples happiness.

Whatever, positive.

and guess what!! im confused again!! over the same thing!! only different!! if that makes sense.

and Tiffani hasnt.......*ahem* just texted me back. finally!!!

hhahha, all my holiday shopping is done, and i feel kinda bad that i got four people the same thing in different colors. but im horribly uncreative and dont know them as well as i know Tiff and Lizz, so....yeah. idk.

and i should have done this after i mentioned it but, here it is.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2607190/1/The_Sting_of_Fantasy_vs_Reality

mother, if you click on this i will cheerful shoot you to death.

thats all. enjoy. and if you get the chance, check out my other stuff.

But I get carried away with every phrase and ev'ry fantasy..

i wonder who it will be?

so not much has happened lately.

This is all that has happened:

• Bob won Survivor
• I am getting more and more pissed in Basketball, and more and more convinced not to do it next year.
• Green Bird has gotten stuck in my head rly bad.
• Lizz is right, hes a stranger. That makes me sad.
• I joined Intermediate Chorus

yeah.... its a mix of good and bad. and my Dad just yelled at me to turn Green Bird off......

idk. What shall i do about the bad?

and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be?

they fall in bed, they sing

i think. im gonna start.....

speaking my mind.

Sry Lauren. Its better this way.

And they fall in love, as they fall in bed, they sing.

this useless heart

well its official, i dont exist.

no one comments me. im not whining but jeez, a little recognition would be nice....

well, it happened.

Hope fucking killed me.

In the BAND ROOM!!

and no not cause of the teacher or class........

Hope killed me.
HOPE KILLED ME!!!!

how pathetic is that. im writing a fucking one shot on it. check it out. Lizz can scold me for how pathetic i am, Lauren can pretend to sympathize, Tiff can empathize while we wollow in our misery. mmhmm. its gonna be a good story. Fantasy vs. Reality.

and my new obbsession playlist?

its called Broken Heart.

I'll destroy this useless heart, I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again.
Not just for me but for anyone...

close my eyes

You know what else i hate?

Forwards and shit like that about God.

I srsly want to tell people, I DONT BELIEVE IN HIM. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. THERES NO GUY 'UPSTAIRS'. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

but then of course people give me the same kind of look that i get from the books. like 'holy shit i just ran into a child of the devil' you know what shut the fuck up.

what the fucks so wrong with not believing in what you do??!! just because im not a fucking sheep doesnt mean im weird!! im not some freak. like once at the end of l7th grade i told people my beliefs on the subject and Tori was just like 'oh. i didnt know that' and then at a track meet there they all were in a prayer circle. a fucking prayer circle. I walked past and Tori gave me this dirty look like, 'you cant come near, we're good. your not.'

WHAT!!!!

it baffled me. and then after Kenzie grilled me out on it, i kinda shut up. i dont tell people much now. i know i freak people out. i dont want to. so i just try to be quiet about what i think. which is what makes this kind of hard. i dont like to let people in. I swear, if Tiffani hadnt intervened, Greg would still be ttly in the dark.

its a sad sad existence.

I, close, my eyes, and I smile, knowing that everything is alright.

hand grenade pins

i hate my horoscope.

i mean it describes my personality perfectly, but its predictions are ttly weird. Like for the past like ever (since August I believe) it has predicted me a boyfriend. hell once i read that i would have them lined up. hhahhahhahha.

now ik i sound like a broken record but, im not bitter about it, (okay myb a little, but only when im having a bad moment) and so far i dont plan to.

idk. i felt the need to say that cause i just read my december horoscope and it said a message from my crush would be delivered to my inbox on the 7th.

whatever.....

Hand Grenade Pins in Every Line

fucked up

well, my room is clean.

ik, i never thought it possible either.

hhahha, my mommy went all slave driver on me and now its clean.

btw, Lizz? we cleaned out our old dress up clothes and found some stuff that could definitely work for the play. would you like it?

BAM!!! random BFS jam!!!

hhehhe.

umm, what was i saying? oh yeah, i was thinking that Blacckk Dresss; is my fav title that ive ever come up with.

um, yeah. i dont have much to say....wait!!! i do!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah, we had our first game friday. we suck, but it was funnish. and then saturday.

oh boy.

so it was a tourney, yes? yes, and we had to play the loser of the other game, JC. first of all, they bribe their refs. no lie. so it wasnt a fair game at all. well, i had the ball after a rebound...and umm...this chick on the other team was slapping and scratching me, from behind, which is a total foul...i think. ik its def not allowed. its a reach or a hold. one of them. so i am so pissed that shes doing it and a refs not calling it, that i whip myself around and yell at the same time "STOP HITTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".............and um in the process of swinging around her face gets in the way of my elbow.....and she just goes down. i frigging knocked her contact out. and i was so pissed i started crying and shaking. it was sad.

and there was this one girl who thought she could take on Brit and Kristal....which they would sooo tag team her and hurt her....and then we would all come out and kill her for messing with our teammates. hhahha, oh and the first half took an hour, just cause of all the fouls and shat like that. and there was this one chick (who could be a man) who scratched Mel's forehead. so we all come off the court after the first half, and Mel is like "she scratched me, the psycho weirdo!!" hhahhahha, so we are like rollin and it wasnt til after the game that we wondered, what were the people in the stands thinking was wrong with us? hhahhahhahhahha

yeah, we were so mad. we thought it was gonna be a fight eventually. so now we're gonna be out shopping or something and we're gonna see some of them, and we're gonna go up and punch them.

hhehhe. they bring out our homicidal tendencies.

Let's Get Fucked Up and Die.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

ah, thanksgiving.

a time when we get off from school, gain ten pounds, and pretend to like our families.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

whats in a name?

WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names)
Marie Wesley

NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad )
Harry Wesley (jeez im wesley alot!)

STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)
Hoharp

DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color, fav animal)
Black Polar Bear (hhahha, how does that work out??)

SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)
Ruth Cowtown

SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav alcoholic drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Red ? (*smirks*)

FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
HaHo (that sounds indian...not 'fly')

ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name)
Ruby X (HAH!!!)

PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Megra Zoa



hhahha!! crack up or what?? personally i like Marie Wesley and Megra Zoa. =]

magic

OH! jeez, i fergot. i got a part in the play. im a knight and the nightengale.

To each his own magic.

the show

soo, yeah.

i havent posted in a while due to alot of crazy shat. Basketball started and that takes up ALOT of time. not that i dont love it =]. oh and for the past week ive been cause i think i pulled a muscle in my shoulder. im not sure cause i never went to the doctor. well, anyway, today was the first time ive played since.....Wednesday.

mmhmm.

so i have a couple new developments on the boy front. I told Brett i like him and what does he say?? "thats cool". mmhmm. oh, and Greg now kinda likes me. this is of course after he has a falling out with the slut. jeez. get this. they broke up....and were still sucking face all over the place. mmhmm, classy. well, yeah. i have a feeling that im a rebound, fall out, safehouse. as soon as some other girl shows some interest in macking it up with him....i dont exist. oh yeah! and he says that hes mad we dont see eachother alot. (we have one class together....every four days....) well i wanna say.....so now that i 'exist' again, you care. Honestly, he didnt give a damn when she was still 'acknowlegding' him. *sigh* it pisses me off. and it makes me mad.....that i cant even get my hopes up.......

*sigh* stupid boys.

yep. now ive worked myself down into sadness. hmm. thinking of Gregused to make me happy...........now that its got all complicated, idk. its conflicting.....hmm, shall i quote myself? i think i will. "Love and anguish are lovers, enemies, and brothers. Completely alike, yet totally different." yep. i wrote that. it makes me feel special. to know that im capable of that.

well. *sigh* idk. we'll see how this progresses. but i will say this:

I do NOT want to be a safety.

Life is a maze and Love is a riddle.

30 Days

you know, theres so many more productive things i could be doing right now??? but no. im gonna sit here and pour my mind out to no one. fuck, ive got homework, a rewrite of It Was There, and books to start on.

I've got finish a complete draft of my essay on "The Masque of Red Death" for English,

Book work for S.S.,

Eagle Strike to finish(from Tori),

and loads of other stuff! so what do i do? i sit down, turn on the music, and start on this pathetic mess. ay vay.

so yesterday i had this huge blowup in band.

So im already pissed cause he(the band director) treats the trumpet section like royalty(he apologizes to them if theyre not playing!!), so he has the woodwinds play this particularly difficult section of music and the trumpets have to grade us. so we play it bad (as usual) and they give us bad grades. that gets me more pissed off. so when we're done, LIZZY (who is a baritone player, not a trumpet) raises her hand and is like "I think they were playing to loud, like all of them were playing as loud as they could." so i sit up and nearly yell, "Well, maybe we play loud to compensate for the fact that we can't do the notes and rhythms together!"........total silence. then gabby or someone goes, "Calm down." or "Whoa" so i rly yell this time, "I'm sorry, it just pisses me off that hes having them grade us!!!!"......silence. again. and now everyone looks up at him and is expecting me to go to in school or something, and hes just standing there smiling. yep smiling. so he goes, "I planned this." WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! he planned for all this inter band fighting!! i yelled at two of my best friends!! i was sitting there fuming while he explains this and everyone is looking at me like im a bomb about to go off.

fuck.

*sigh* its so stupid.

whatever. so i have a good book recommendation. Bloodline. it was rly good. the whole book is like excerpts from peoples diarys and letters.

i founds a new song i rly like, 30 Days by NeverShoutNever! unfortunately its not on project playlist.....

i rly like NeverShoutNever! im almost suprised, i dont usually like every song i hear by a band. the only ones are Bowling For Soup, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, The White Stripes, Ben Folds(but hes an artist, not a band) and now NeverShoutNever! maybe my trepidation is stupid, idk.

=]

meh. goodnight and goodluck. i love you all.

30 days to Christmas and all I know is I'm not quite ready to let this go.

Dota

well, so much for time...i just spent the last couple hours playing my old gameboy color.

D-D-D-D-D-Dota.

Girl, you got style.

dum de dum dum.....

kayklay.

yesterday was loads of fun!! I spent the night at Tiff's, where we stayed up until 2:15ish......yep we watched Stardust and Accepted. hhahha, good movies. yep, we made her laptop talk. it was a crackup. to borrow tiff's phrase, we were rolling. literaly. hhahha, before we conked we watched the paternity addition of Maury. you know the one,

I was sleeping with four guys at once, and i want to know which one's the father!!

or

I cheated on my boyfriend and I want to be sure he's the father, not this asshole who i had a one night stand with!!

Of course in the latter, it ended up being neither of them.....GASP!!

Tchh, stupid whores, tenth grade mothers.

whatever, i refuse to be bogged down with the problems of lesser society!!

hhehhe.

well, that morning Heidi called and asked us if we wanted to go to this huge book clearence sale thing. It was awesomely amazing!! i got what, 8 books for 10 dollars!!!! ik!! its like holy shit!! alot. one book that usually $19 was only $3!!!!! ik!! and then i got 7 books for a dollar each!!

yep. it was fun.

Thursday me and Angela had our audition for Masquers (Drama Club). we did pretty good. but, they stopped us in the middle of our song. and every one else got to do their whole one....... that was rly annoying. whatever.

hhahhahhha. basketball is going good. i guess. idk. i cant seem to work up any enthusiasm. for basketball, school, hmwrk, grades.......idk.

the only thing i actually enjoy is chorus, masquers (and it hasnt even started!!), and sometimes band. as much as i dont like the teacher, i enjoy playing. its nice to escape into the dots and lines of the music. it feels good to be first chair, to know im good.

anyways, i think im getting sick........i have an infection as direct result of destroying the skin around my nails........and a bunch of stuff i want to get done, but i know i wont be able to, as i have no time.

*sigh* im gonna go get started on that stuff. i have time now.

loves.

Girl, you got style, and that's what I love about you.
Girl, you got dreams, and therefore I believe in you.

sentimental guy...

dun dun dun!! i post!!

hhahha, so im bored, and sad, and tired, and all around feeling shitty. no, not the mad kind of shitty, more of the defeated kind of shitty. yep......

well i read that one poem today, (i was procrastinateing before my hmwrk), Annabel Lee, and i was struck by how insanely beautiful it is. i mean, for someone who can go to the inner recesses of the twisted human soul, (or lack thereofe), its so pretty.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee-

le sigh. isnt that just wonderful. im gonna carry a copy of that in my pocket now or somethin.

kay, so im goin to Tiffys house tomorrow to spend the night. thats pretty rad if you ask me.

me and Tiff were talking the other day about stuff.....like how my choice of reading material is considered shocking in Cow Town High. so i enjoy Lesbian Romance Fiction, sue me. hhahha, i should write a book review on it. *laughsevily* oh im horrid!! but yeah, certain people (Tori, Susan) will read the back to see what its about, and give me a look like, whoa, is she a little swishy herself?? myb. idk, never rly thought about it. whatevs,

i wonder, if someone you knew turned out to be a les, would you still associate with them?

theres a question for the ages. but seeing how 99.9% of the Cow Town High population are racist bigots, it wouldnt suprise me if 99.99% of the CTH pop were homophobes.

fuck. bastards.

hhahha, ive got candy. halloween baby!!! now and later!! friggin hate it, but i dont want a lollipop, and thats all i ahev left......

le sigh.i have nothing else to talk about.

byeas.

I used to be a sentimental guy...

its raining, Annie....

okayy.......now that you are all definitely certain im a friggin schizo............

jesus christ.........

*sigh*

i hate feeling pathetic. i felt that way friday. i was at lizz's house before the pasketti dinner and she checked this blog.....and made a few comments on it.......and i felt rly rly pathetic. if you dont know why.....i suggest you take a rain check.

god. why cant this weekend just keep going?? *sigh* Tiff? lets go back to chinc. it was happy. and i miss seeing you that happy for such a long period of time. i miss your short sleeves. i miss ass raping bikes (lolz). i miss the beach. i miss the waves. i miss the dock. i miss the air. that feeling of flying. of never wanting to come down. of loving where you are and who youre with.

goddammit. now im crying.

jeez. it seems weird to me, but, my favorite songs are always the ones about running away..... maybe theres a reason for my sport. do we run for enjoyment? or to build a facade for a reality we dont want to face? idk. do you?

It's raining, Annie.

we'll fight

SHIT SHIT MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN WITH A FUCKING CHERRY CUNT ON TOP SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. i feel better now.jeezy creezy im fucked up. you knaow?

and i dont rly care about any fucking typos. cause my life is a fucking shit hole right now.

teachers suck. school sucks. and to top it off......now that xc is over....(almost) i only get to see my best friend/loml every day 2 in fucking EARTH SCIENCE!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

and i got a fuckin test tomorrow in S.S. which is gonna go bad.....and my grade there is already bad.........77!!!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the band teacher is a total douchse. or however the fuck you spell it. fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!

and how in the fuck do you date someone who cheated on you and is a total whore, when someone who really loves you is just sitting there waiting for you??!!!

goddamit!!!!!

i cannot get a fucking break!!!

you know what? this is shit!! im goin to bed.

we'll fight for your music halls and dyin' cities.

lights and sounds

hhahha. jeez. i havent posted in weeeeeeks. god. the beginning of the year is so hectic, it isnt even funny!!

hmwrk, float meetings, xc.........JEEZ!!!

its exhausting.

grawr.

i dont think anyone has noticed that i have this blog yet.....which i find fairly hilairious.

but anyway..............hmmm.

the things ill never say out loud........will never be typed.

hhahhahhahha. and that didnt sound stupid at all.

but....i am worried about lizz. she says shes over him.....but i said that once.......and now my stomach turns whenever i see them together.........

god. im so fucking pathetic, you know??

stop. turn. take a look around at all the lights and sounds.

pop the lid

i feel undecided for some reason. like i dont know what i want at all. i dont like it. its weird. usually im well.....................usually i guess im not a very decided person, but this is different. its just.........idk...........unsettling. i cant explain. its like, i want this, but i also rly dont. and i dont know what outweighs what.

meh. im confused.

well, shitskyz.

thats all i got for you.

night.

Pop the lid and Suck it up.

cold light

hihi. dont know why, but i wanted to make a new blog. gonna see how many people will actually notice, lol.

sooooooooooooo..........................SOCKS!! everybody likes socks. well, no, wait, not everyone.

gots a new avi. its from a song. i like the song obviously. yep.

soooooo...........theres this guy....................i kinda whanna ask him to homecoming...................but im major chicken, so idk. K might do it for me, but id fell like a major coward if i didnt do it myself you know??

*sigh* high school sucks.

which reminds me of something. Today ta the invite, L's cuz came to see. and he gave this stupid/funny advice............dont go to college.

and the funny part is. i agree with him. ik my mom and dad say thats its mad important, but i rly rly dont want to go. it just seems like a waste of my life. who knows, myb thatll change as i get older, but right now, i rly dont want to go.

yep. so thats my revelation for the night. byeas<3

cold light. hot night. be my heater, be my lover.